Looks can be deceiving and I think we can all agree on this, we are all masters of deception and disguise when it comes to showing people all of our being and true colours. Mental illness is no joke, and people need to understand that it is always easier said then done in any situation when it comes to having a mental illness. Waking up becomes a mission and a half, getting up is just as bad you start to fall into this constant routine going through life's motions without a single glance up at the world because you've belittled your entity to only coexist with people. You start to no longer deem yourself worthy to be considered a living human being, you no longer see yourself as a person only a carrier of organs. 5 years ago I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety, all of these things occurred for me every single day, I had felt so hopeless, so worthless. I could not think about the next day let alone the next few hours from the moment I was currently in, it would make me too anxious to envision because I thought I wouldn't live longer to see the next day or the day after that. It was my constant thoughts on a daily basis. Nobody knew this about me, I was too afraid what people might say, might think of me, but most of all I was ashamed. Ashamed of myself for being so weak. I hid it. I hid it well because people assumed I was this happy, innocent girl who had a love for everything but I didn't. I couldn't.
I couldn't find joy in anything, my thoughts were too dark to see towards the light that had always been ahead of me. I was always told, it's all in your head, it's all in your head, you'll get over it; as if I would choose to think like this willingly. As if I chose this black dog to be apart of my life. My depression was and still is such a taboo topic for me because of the discrimination I thought I'd receive from people, but to my surprise I hardly got that, from most I got support, from others I did get judgment and scrutiny because they thought I was just being lazy and stupid. For me although I had gotten all that love, it was the criticism on my behavior that got to me the most. You don't fully understand depression until you actually go through it or any mental illness, who are YOU to pass judgment on a person because they can't be in public places, or do simple things such as chores when all they want to do is burst into tears.
I have only just become somewhat okay talking about my depression because I feel that there are people out there who I can help through my shared experiences, what had worked for me and what didn't. I would never in a million years wish this upon anyone. Everyday is a battle for me, it never will stop being a war it is something that I will have to live with for the rest of my life.
Stay mad, stay beautiful.
Sharoan.
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